I would give just about anything to be Neurotypical, for lack of a better descriptor, for just a day. No more obsessive thoughts, constant humming, distracting patterns, rambling, stuttering, frustration. Reasonable reactions to stimuli. Being comfortable with silence, not being afraid of the space between my ears. If only for a moment. I would give so much to end this constant struggle with depression there is no romance in this. It is ugly and suffocating and more often than not I let it win. I'm just so fucking tired. I want so badly to have someone lie to me and hold me and tell me things will get better. I've learned no stoic truth there is no pithy one-liner this is long and lonely and so fucking painful Aaron Sorkin himself could not walk and talk his way out of this. I miss the sun.To all of you in this fight I love you unconditionally and I'm so very sorry that you struggle as well. I know how isolating it is. trying to describe depression to someone who doesn't suffer from it, like trying to describe orange to a blind person. There is no rational way to defend why i've stopped moving somewhere between in and out of bed, half hanging slumped over where the safest place seems to be the underside of my bed, I can not philosophically enumerate why I've been standing still for 20 minutes in the kitchen with no will to move anywhere. None of this makes sense and that is why it is so devastating to a rational mind. I also know how infuriating the well meaning platitudes can be, the armchair psychology, the "maybe if you just did x", as if I haven't analyzed ad nauseam every possible course of action. Having said this I know I am not easy to be around at my worst, depression makes you the nothing and it will drag those down around you. I can reach critical mass of misery compressed to a singularity. That said no one would ever tell someone in a cast or wheelchair to just smile and get over it, nor would they expect a person with cancer to just adjust their perspective and be perfectly fine. This is a silent disease eating away at the foundations of everything. I love all of you who are less, just as, or more so dysfunctional as I. And to the best that I am able I will help hold your foundations if you aid mine. And to all those people who love someone who is depressed it cannot be stated enough how amazingly brave, selfless, and strong you are. It is no easy task propping up a heavy cloud be careful not to lose yourself in the maelstrom. And please if hear anything in this please let it be patience. Be patient with yourself and others, self love is no easy task.